2009.

Within the last year i've ; lost my best friend, learned to love new york city, moved 4 times, blacked out too many times, fell in love with ashor roth and taylor swift, got too many questionable tattoos, drank too much coffee and ate too little, met the most amazing people ever, went on a road trip to texas, went to boston for 2 weeks on a last minute whim, fucked people over, been fucked over, got in a fist fight, learned i should never drink more then one 4 loko or st. ides, sold some things i loved for money, spent too many nights in back yards in brooklyn and nights wondering the l.e.s, went to new jersey for the first time, sat at verb cafe and laughed till my stomach hurt, lived in crown heights, bushwick, lower east side and pretty much 0-zone park, spend too many summer days in mccarrin park, lost my voice seeing some of my favorite bands, drank too many pbrs and shot gunned far too many king cobra's, i've stayed up late telling stories in the dark, i've ate bacon everyday (almost), margaretta's from the turkeys nest every day all day, i've explored the south, woke up inside a store front in china town, fell off my bike too many times to count, horrible bike accidents that result in not walking for 2 weeks and being stuck in VT, exploring vermont's dirt roads, spitting on people from the roof on 1st ave, spending all my money on gold and staying up till 8am talking, d- beat till death, realizing when you listen to rancid and your 20 years old you've hit rock bottom but never stop loving rancid, shared a slice of dollar pizza too many times, i've lurked s.o.b's all day every day, i've realized that my life is the biggest joke ever, i've dropped out of school and went back, i've stole too many dollar tall cans from my old bodega off montrose it's almost sad, i've spit up on myself, i killed the biggest roach in the world with a shoe, knowing how to survive 2012, "can i bring my doggggg?", i've mastered rolling cigarettes while walking and at one point biking, i've biked aimlessly with allen for miles upon miles, finally realizing the williamsburg bridge really isnt all it's talked up to be, i've shot gunning beers while walking and/or biking over the bridge, nearly peed my pants from laughing too hard, ran out of money, lost my mind, fell in love, though i was going to die, been hungover too many times in one year, tried to see the meteor shower, woke up with bruises all over my legs, realizing my imagination is too large if that's even possible, i've explored, we' drew people as cats, i sat on a front porch in burlington for days on end drinking whiskey from a mason jar, i've learned to hate new york city and attempt to love it again, i've rode many tall bikes, i fist pumped till my arm was sore, made tons of bad decisions and tons of epic ones, over used the word epic and said "oh dude" enough to get it tattooed on me, getting the best advice ever "shorteys come and go.." and last and foremost....THE SCUMMERS.

this is.

this is for spontaneous kitchen dance parties.this is for warm socks on cold feet.this is for good soil under your fingernails.this is for always hearing someone singing.this is for clothes on the line in the yellow sun.this is for the smell of garlic in the morning.this is for late night story telling.this is for shelves full of mason jars.this is for a bunch of country kids livin' in the city.this is for unlocked doors and open hearts. this is for someone to hold you when you're drunk and broken.this is for a hot french press full of dumpstered coffee.this is for a place to miss when you're on the road.this is for someone to take care of you when you're sick.this is for backyard be good tanyas covers.this is for late night bike rides.this is for my wonderful, beautiful roommates.this is for the closest thing i've ever had to HOME.

put your hands on me, my love.

"What did you say?""I said I just hate goodbyes and I hate saying goodbye to you."

I miss you at odd hours, but mostly when I am sleeping because you're not there.

life, someday.

there's this field somewhere, and the grass is slightly overgrown. it hasn't been neglected, just temporarily ignored. there are tomatoes growing fat and red and they're covered with dew. there's this wall of old fashioned roses climbing up a lattice work fence and there are beetles treading carefully over the thorns.

there are two bikes on the lawn and a hummingbird in my heart. there's a dirt driveway leading up to the house and you're standing there with the sun behind you but i'm taking a picture anyways.

vermont

i explored the twilight zone and drank wine underneath the clear skies of vermont. i slept outside and it cleared my mind. i had breakfast in a hardware store and drove down long never ending dirt roads. i've gone on bike rides through burlington like old times. went to city market and ate delicious food.  drank vermont beer on front porches. had micheal jackson dance parties.  went on tracker rides. drank whiskey from mason jars on porches late at night. woodbury boys own this bitch. made some mistakes and made lots of good decisions.

im going back to my concrete jungle on tuesday and once again i'll breath my muggy air and miss vermont dearly.

It feels like nothing's changed. Going from town to town. Or from house to house. You know I just can't seem to get it right. And I just don't want to see you tonight' Cause it's all the same buildings. And it's all the same dirty streets. Our little version of America. Don't really mean shit to me.

shakes.

I've been having the worst anxiety. I always feel on the edge. Like im waiting for something...It's raining outside and all I want to do it curl up in a little ball and read, drink tea and snuggle. I feel like i've lost a lot within the last week...friends, objects, feelings and my mind.  Urg.  My mind keeps wandering and I always feel on the edge. I'm no longer sore and confused. Now im just shakey and a bit lonely. I just want a cute boy to ride bikes with and to listen to pop punk with...but nothing like that ever works out here in NYC.

summer.

Learning how to be alone without being lonely,

Learning how to be lonely without losing my mind.

black eyes.

I wish I could find the strength to pick myself up from this chair where I'm sitting. I would walk to where I could find a reason to smile. And it isn't that I don't have faith, I believe in your reasons, believe me I do. I just imagine falling and falling, into so many pieces so I could disappear again. I feel so purposeless. I don't smile lately, and neither do you. how much do you remember about my eyelids and the backs of my knees? i washed them clean clear of your kisses and bad dreams. I don't know where to look from here.

past-sleep

Sleep is sparse, but what else is new, besides the lack of oxygen passing through to my lungs. Its far too thick, like trying to pass through something solid, and it spreads upward, struggling. Clouding my head, it started while I rested in a foreign bed, dry dry air, hot burning feverish bodies, the smiles were gone for now, overcome by the waves of rest.

The soft music whispers thoughts of heat and intoxication, lazy days after late nights. If only I could burn alive in hell with you, desperate faces showing eyes so full of love never given. Don't let this become me, only tainted more cold and hard, you were telling so many lies, alas, I told so many lies. Now here I lie, but not with my words, with my body, in the shape of a mangled content, yet indifferent, human.

I still lay tossing and turning, the confinement of arms wrapped around me, a comfort and a curse, but back to the fact of simply, merely, figuratively, suffocating. The solidity of a human form raised questions once again, where's my emotion i'll wonder, again and again. He's pretending to hide his spite, annoyance, hollow inside, and I'm pretending to care, about being aware, of how sad our situation really is. The passing sun blends from night to a new dawn, I'll be gone by morning, I always am.

open arms.

the world around me tends to fall apart in a matter of moments, but just as fast it rebuilds itself. Each day, gazing out at the world, I await the arrival of something that answers my restless demeanor, for I'm drowning in the speculations of my mind. I find solace in the rising sun; a muse that I know will forever remain constant. I laugh way more than a normal person probably should, and find amusement in everything, particularly things I probably shouldn't. My thoughts are incomprehensible, my imagination ambiguous, my mind is logical, and my taste for reality, fanciful.
I crave more, and until then, I'll be waiting with open arms.

fall

my shoes are falling apart and so am i. 

it was all a dream.

i was dreaming of your skin, deep eyes and laugh on my long bus ride that smelt of cheap fast food and cleaning products. i miss you in my bed whispering to me and keeping me warm till the early morning as the sun peered into my brooklyn apartment. when you arrived you smelt sweet and dirty. i wanted to hear your stories of tales on the road- after you were gone for months on end. i miss kissing and rolling around with you on the cold pavement in the driveway of your parents house till the morning sun was rising and you had to leave town once again. everything has changed now my love, i am here now and all i get is a muttered hello...all i want to do is kiss you in the graveyard underneath the grey skies once more.

richard brautigan.

If you will die for me,
i will die for you.

and our graves will
be like too lovers washing
their clothes together
in a laundromat.

If you will bring the soap,
I will bring the bleach.

empty1

"I feel dead. I feel as if I were
the residue of a stranger's life,
that I should pursue you.

My head cocked toward the sky,
I cannot get off the ground,
and, you, passing over again,

fast, perfect, and unwilling
to tell me that you are doing
well, or that it was mistake

that placed you in that world,
and me in this; or that misfortune
placed these worlds in us."

Fiction.

the first time i met you my stomach was lifted into my throat by one million butterflies & i nearly lost my shit. i want to suck the enamel off your teeth some late night as we watch the city come alive. i want to watch the sunrise from balconies with you after a night spent discussing politics. i want to get under your skin. i want to listen & absorb your idea’s/ideals. i want to study the geography of your body. i want to start a revolution with you. i want to write secret notes on your back as you sleep next to me. but what i really want is to tell you that regardless of everything, i love you. even if you never love me back… i love you. i hope that when you’re laying in bed after a night spent in some distant state or country, watching terrible tv, that you don’t feel alone. i love you.

twist.

I think I've made a big mistake. But for odd reason...I like it, I like you.
My life is in need of change and I feel it coming along.
I've been going through the motions. But im happy enough.
Change. Change. Change!

rolllller derby.

I'm sick. Zohn is here. Hooray!

...and a kiss with a fist is better than none

Finally home. I'm far too lazy to take a shower to wash away the dirt tan i've accumulated. I've got sun kissed checks and a warm heart. I've been laughing and lacking sleep too often. I want to nap all day long. I'm glad i'm finally home...I missed my kitties and room-mates. Time to deal with the real world agian after a week or so of sunshine, friends, music and free beer.

OOOH BOY!

Texas! oh my! The trip here went very well...stopped in a few places to see friends and explore and to stretch our achy legs and to fill our empty stomaches. The ride was filled with lots of laughs, avoiding getting lost and really great 1990's mix tapes....big beefy, rape whistle roller derby team, crack head babies in philly, french mimes, awesome diners, red neck flea markets, getting stuck at a screamo show, laila's church house, peeing our pants, hotel rooms with hot tubes and getting very metal, drunk driving, falling in love with beautiful ladies, epic views, dance parties, wizards causing mischief on the mountain tops, dog heaven, hanging out drinking beers near the river, eating too much food...the list goes on and on....

i'm sitting on shirly's deck over looking the mountains. I really dont want to go back to brooklyn yet.

asheville

i've been in a car for hours and hours. texas soon. more later. 

new york city has alot of pretty lights...

So much madness! Life is pretty great again. Still a blur of madness and running around. I' m far too lazy to go into details of the last few weeks...so much to type and explain. Although last night I got far too wine drunk so my brain feels slushy. Today I enjoyed breakfast with a friend and then met up with Jess for coffee. Found free curtains, sold some clothes to beacons closet and eat really yummy vegan pizza. I leave for Texas tomorrow, MEGA ROAD TRIP! It's going to be so epic! probably 3 days of driving but it'll be worth it.

Hahahaa

The weather is fucking beautiful! It's around 60-70 degrees and it's mind blowing. I went on a picnic yesterday with Jess, Slim and MG in McCarin park. I woke-up early when my friend Cory went to work and I'm so happy I wokeup...I cant miss another beautiful day. Anyways....I feel like i'm kind of feeling myself again. Better update later..I just cant be online now-it's a waste.

OOOH BOY!

I woke-up around noon today (go me!) it was nice because the last two weeks i've been sleeping till 5pm. I feel yucky and I have the shakes...I'd like to go back to sleep....but i'm forcing myself not too. Went to Nev's last night, drank too much, told someone one of my secrets that no one know's in new york...woops. I feel much better then I did the last few days. It was nice being alone for the night. I want someone to go on a long bike ride with me today. I think i've let everything go. I need to just explore more..possibly move soon?

Goodnight.

Today has been a day of nothing. I fell asleep drunk. Woke-up hungover. Going to bed alone feeling sad as ever. I'm still not sure why I feel this way. Someone tell me. Or just say in my life...in and out...in and out..I'm just wasting my breath I feel like..On people and things that dont really matter in the long run. My brain feels fuzzy...Goodnight.

Are you thinking what i'm thinking?

Thursday : I went to a shitty show. I felt so yucky my brain, body and heart all hurt. I had a huge anxiety attack and freaked out. Everything in my head exploded and I just wanted to scream. ..I ended up saying some things to someone that i've kept to myself. I'm still not sure if I should of said some of the things I said. ..I think I just look dumb now. Hm.

Friday : Oooooh Friday. I woke-up and met Jess for coffee...we sat and talked. She is seriously one of the best people to talk to... We ate the best Thai food i've ever had in NYC...I got vegatarian pad thai. Seriously...SO GOOD. I dyed her hair and we watched "say anything" it made me quite sad but it's such an adorable classic movie...We met up with some of her pals at Barcade and hung out there for a bit...I left to meet Mary, Stevie, Drew, Ryan and a bunch of other kids at Trash Bar...we drank beerz and got wasted...Drove around Brooklyn...Tried going to a party that wasnt going on any longer at 6am...Stayed up till day light and kept drinking...I must say I was fucking wasted (always a bad idea) Me and Mary decided to go drink beers on my stoop together...so picture this...Two girls at 10am drinking tall cans...wearing huge sunglasses with our boots untied. ..pretty epic...we yelled at passing people and greeted everyone with a good morning bushwick...5 beers later we were beyond wasted on my stoop...when a cop VAN pulls up with 6 cops. Hahahaha....they pull over and talk to us and dont even give us tickets (pretty fucking awesome!) We didnt go to bed till around 1 and slept till 6:30. The rest of the day was pretty lazy...I mostly just drank alot of coffee and watched youtube videos.

Saturday: I mean, I guess...Friday and Saturday are mushed together since I've been lacking proper sleep. I went to a party at Briana's loft...which lead to about...3 other parties in the same building. I origanly went there for ONE drink...but since it had a free bar of booze...and friends I couldnt leave. I met some really funny people and got beyond drunk and passed out with my dress and boots still on. It was a good night.

I slept till 4pm and it felt soooo great. Then Amanda Ryan and I layed in my bed till 8:30 just talking, looking at dumb shit on the internet and eating burgerz! I have no energy to go out and do anything really. I think im going to just lay in bed and read and clean my filthy apartment.

bahh

my fucking tattoo hurts. show tonight = loud and dumb. I must be drunk before I go. I've been sleeping far too much. I missed a beautiful day! Woke-up in a kinda bad mood...not too sure why.

find one good thing to say.

I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
My mind keeps racing in circles, I wish I could say everything I wanted to say.
I WANT to say perhaps?
I feel like when i'm talking lately i'm just vomiting my words out.
Yes, VOMIT.

why you comin home @ 5 in the morrrnnnnin?!

bro down coffee sesh with chris this morning, it was nice. I really wish I could wake-up and get coffee with a pal everyday. I got a new tattoo last night...It's a wishbone on my arm..actually wrist? right near that weird bone. I dont know. I got pretty sick from free pancake day at ihope and puked my guts out..no fun. Life is alright...I just need to remind myself to keep breathing and not take anything too seriously. Now i'm going to clean my dirty apartment.

I'm a rolling stone. All alone.

Why cant I have everything I want? Hahah. That sounds so ridiculous...but seriously. I just want an enough money to get me by... I just want the sun to shine every day...I want great friends around me...I want a cute boy to hold my hand all night long and to zip my sleeping bag together with...I just want a house in the middle of nowhere with a beautiful view and miles of land to explore...

Today was nice enough, I woke up at 2pm...ate pizza....walked around...sat in a dinner and drank lots of coffee (free refills!) with chris and tim for a bit while Angela was at class...went to see Emma at this pretty awesome coffee/hangout space...watched chris clean my bathroom (THANK GODDD! it looks epic)...now i'm listening to a mix chris made me for my birthday...i should sleep. Tomorrow in tales free pancakes and adventures I hope.

i'm so fucking hungry my stomach is eating itself. i've been chain smoking my days away. today i curled up in a ball and read a large portion of today. although i did wakeup at 4pm...so lazy. everyday I question what i'm doing with my silly life. I love it..but it needs change. It was so dark and rainy today and yesterday was beautiful and sunny...we drank beers on the stoop in the sunshine. Oooh the life!

party punxxx

party punx took over 255 boerum. too many people in one space. my apartment is so trashed. took it down to the basement and everyone chilled. loud music and lots of alcohol....oh dear...pictures will be uploaded at a later date.

i want fucking food.

fuck someone make me cookies. is that too much to ask for? I went to a show last night and got alittle too drunk and got lost in greenpoint (ha!) then i figured it alllll out. Drunkly stumbled home and fell asleep till 4:30pm. Hopefully selling a bunch of shit tomorrow during the day outside the subway near bogart and seegal. Stop by and buy my old shit! I dont really have too much to update about today due to me just waking up.

sunshine punx (food not bombs)

Today I woke up at 9 am to cook food for 4 hours. It all was for food not bombs. At first it was a bit awkward cooking with random people...but then everyone started opening up and sharing stories about themselves. Funny and sad stories were told...It was great meeting new people and working with friends. Everything with vegan and vegetarian. Also, all the food was dumpstered. I made home-made mashed potatoes and this apple crisp thing.... (both turned out awesome!)Anyways beyond the point...We set up our table outside of the bushwick park off off the jefferson stop and brought the food over in shopping carts. It made me feel so great to see the people so excited to eat a healthy meal. Everyone thanked us and it reminded me how fucking lazy i've been and self centered...seriously what was the last thing I did that actually made some type of difference?! I want to change my life. I want to stop drinking as fucking much and start eating healthy...OH! and today I finally went to get the tires in shirely's bike filled up with air so now I can ride all over brooklyn again! I went on an awesome bike ride by myself today with the sunlight pouring on me and I only wish'd someone could just join me. Now i'm taking a nap...I've been on the go-go-go all day!

i cant stop making lists!

Keeping secrets, Holding my pee for too long then finally getting to pee, Receiving letters in the mail, Loosing my voice after an awesome show, Perfectly lit rooms, Snuggling with my kitty, Meeting new people who are actually cool, Surprise visits from old pals, Sitting in the sunshine and reading all day long, Home cooked meals, Laughing so much I cant breath after, Remember whens, Being on the road, Cigarettes after eating and waking up. Taking naps, Sleeping next to a person you love, Exploring new places, First cup of coffee of the day, Sleeping as long as I please, Going on picnics, Taking photographs of the people I can about, Taking pictures of strangers, Lavender oil, Learning new things, Finishing a book, Smooth subway rides, Late night bike rides, Driving down dirt roads on a hot summer night, Swimming in secret places,


I cant stop making lists! This one is mostly things I enjoy...Although I do enjoy alot of things. I'm just wasting time.

Food not bombs tomorrow at 10am! Eeep.

5am.

I can't sleep. It's 4:30 in the morning. Tell me about your dream land? I realized I spend hours and hours of the day day dreaming in this make believe land of what if's. I day dream about the things that will never happen and the things I hope will. Sometimes I get excited or scared if I think about it for too long. I can have whatever I please in my dream land. people, places, things. Anything. I can do whatever I want. If only if it were like that. I explained this to a good friend today. It's almost 5am and im not sleeping. All I want to do is day dream and remember.

I cant stop making lists, mostly about people i want in my life.

someone who makes shapes out of clouds. someone who enjoys being barefoot. someone who will give me a stick n poke. someone who can loose their mind for a week. someone who can make rainy days enjoyable. someone whos dreams are a little more realistic and less materialistic. someone who isnt turned off by a little lack of confidence. someone who can unplug their television for more than a year. someone who boycotts marriage. someone whos eyes burn with passion. someone who gets excited about groundhog day. someone who makes airwaves with their hands from a speeding car. someone who is drunk with optimism. someone who goes to bed in an old t-shirt from an ex-lover. someone who takes midnight swims in the atlantic. someone who will listen to dumb music with me. someone who will teach me how to sail a boat. someone who will write me letters and really send them. someone who will stay up till 5am with me doing thing, just because we cant sleep. someone who wishes on falling stars and eyelashes. someone who says "love" like they mean it. someone else who lives in the past.

fill up my plate.

Trying to keep myself busy. A bunch of us are getting together and biking around dumpster diving through out Brooklyn tomorrow night...Then Thursday is Food not bombs. I'm helping cook and serve the food. Then sunday is the meeting for Bushwick Tree's not trash....I'm going to start working on the volunteer gardens near by my house. I also plan on going to ABC no rio and volunteering to help out at shows and events...and hopefully I can use there darkroom! I also plan on buying the book Chainbreaker bike book so I can start working on my own bikes. Hmmm. Keeping myself busy as possible.

If only this was true.

I'd like to start a secret journal with you. I'd like to ride bikes all day with you. I'd like to bake all day with you. I'd like to kiss you on the forehead. I'd like to go to the movies with you and hold your hand. I'd like to listen to sweet music with you. I'd like to lay on my bedroom floor with you. I'd like to have mini adventures with you. I'd like to go to the beach with you. I'd like to build a sandcastle for you. I'd like to get drunk and make out with you. I'd like you to give me a piggy back ride. I'd like to kiss you in the rain. I'd like you to teach me how to drive. I'd like to make music with you. I'd like to dance around with you in our undies to. I'd like to go to cooking classes with you. I'd like to row a boat with you. I'd like to explore New York City with you. I'd like to kiss every inch of your body. I'd like to lay in bed all day with you. I'd like to go on long bike ride adventures and dumpster dive all night long till the sun comes up. I'd like to go to new cities and towns together and explore them. I'd like to zip our two sleeping bags together and make them one. I'd like to be able to smell bad and not care. I'd like to lay in bed and talk and roll around till sunlight is pouring through the window. I'd like to start a garden together and get our hands and knees dirty. I'd like to sleep out side in the middle of nowhere in the back of a pick up truck or in the middle of a field. I'd like to chain smoke with you and not have to feel bad about how much I smoke. I'd like you to roll me better cigarettes. I'd like to lay around the house all day listening to records and reading on a rainy day. I'd like to work on a zine together. I'd like to hold your hand till I fall asleep and in the morning tell each other our dreams. I'd like to sew together. I'd like to build a tree house together. I'd like to brew our own cider. I'd like to share clothes. I'd like to go watch fire-works together on 4th of July. I'd like to make crafts together.


If only all this was true.

i feel so strange today. floaty almost. whats wrong with me?
I need something to keep me anchored down.

charles bukowksi

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning & you think, i’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.
-charles bukowski

crust kitty.

Oh, and cutest thing ever.

...

I've been listening to a lot of music I listened to when I was 13-15. Listening to it makes me remember having too much teen angst and jumping on my bed screaming the words to my favorite pop punk songs. I was such a cliche little punk. I really wish I could find someone to work on my zine with and trade mixtapes with. Shirley and a bunch of other ladies are trying to find our way to Texas soon for a bit. I really need to get out of NYC...just for a bit. I'm so so so excited for the summer...the weather here has been teasing me with it's warm sunlight on my face. I've been crawling into bed when the sun is rising and sleeping through most of the day. I want to start waking up before 4pm and doing things in the day. Beyond that...I've been pretty motaved lately!

i dont understand the point of this holiday. anyways, someone buy me chocolates and beer.

kite.

Today is the perfect day to fly a kite. It's so windy outside. It blew my hat off my head and I got gravel and dust in my eyes and throat. If only someone wanted to go to the park with me and fly a cheap dollar store kite...It's a beautiful day. Hmm. alot of things floating around in my mind...everyone in vermont is changing and i'm loosing more and more touch with them. I woke-up at 9am today got breakfast with shirely at Life Cafe and sold some old clothes to beacons closet( I made 15 bucks!)...now im going to go enjoy dollar pizza with Talia.

Life is alright, alot of funny things happening, i've been trying to laugh alot. This beautiful weather makes me motaved to do more and more. Get involved with cool shit and actually move!

smoke like a machine gun.

it's beautiful outside. i'm sitting in my back yard with my door open. it's sunny and breezy and it feels nice on my dry pale winter skins that been hiding for months.


I made instant mashed potatoes and to be honest, they are not as enjoyable without you next to me.

weird.

I spent my Birthday waking up next to an adorable boy. Lets not get too excited my friends...it wasn't like that at ALL (long story not suitable for my blogger) Anyways I went into the city and my dearest friend Angela bought me an expensive cupcake that I ate it and enjoyed it to the max with Chris and Tim. Then I met up with Talia on St. Marks and she made me home-made rainbow cupcakes that were so fantastic! I helped Chris and Tim make money to get back to New Hampshire and then realized, it was my day and my feet were cold and wanted to go home. Shirley came over and made cookies with Amanda and I and we all fell in love with techno viking. It was a pretty simple birthday, yet the whole day I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and my heart ached. I'm always looking for something or someone to fill that void and it's not happening anytime soon.

I'm half drunk and alone. A hammer placed next to me just incase a robber tries to break in yet again. My bed still smells like a cute crusty boy...hm.

Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday to me. Meh.

city.

sometimes motion.

I dropped out of school. I could not handle it any longer. I was unhappy there I really cant say anything nice about that place, almost all the teachers were snobby, the kids sucked (beyond the few i fell in love with) The dress code (all black, i couldnt be smelly ect) It just was not the place for me. Plus the whole 9-5 tueday through saturday thing BLEW...with a one hour break. My family is flipping out and so am I kind of but I know it's the right thing to do.

I also cut my hair off. It was kind of a last minute decsion. Pretty much it's half longish and half short. At first I hated it so much and now i'm kind of in love with it. I needed the change. I've had longer hair for quite a while now.

Lately i've been thinking about the past, just laughing and crying over it. Remembering smells and touches and adventures....I cant get them out of my mind. I realize i've lost touch with ALOT of people over the last few months...People I really cared about and loved. I mean, I guess thats just how things work out. I just hope someday we all be together again sitting in the sunshine, going on long bike rides, making food, doing crafts and just laughing and hanging out. Till then, WHATSUPBROOKLYN. I've been having a good time...just somedays I wake up and wish I was in motion...going place to place. I dont know how long I can stick around. Lets test it.

I dropped out of school. Hahahaha.

grr.

I start school tomorrow. I want to kill myself. I guess I should get my shit together soon. Right?

what am doing?!

Freight Train

I think i'll take me a freight train, cause im feelin blue. I'll be dreamin' bout walking with my baby down the san francisco bay...You arnt in love anymore with anything but falling in love. You are having an affair with your imagination, in disguise.

roller coaster.

It's a roller coaster. I'm excited Chris and TJ are coming to the city for a few days. I've only got 2 days left of freedom before I go back to school. I decided I need to be very very drunk the next few days. Then do laundry and chop my hair off. Yes. Oh and on a bad note...I lost my credit card! It really really sucks. Im stuck with 6 dollars till Tuesday and no metro card. So im going to be surviving off rolling my own cigarettes and bread and butter...and dollar tall cans.

Im in love.

True love. He snuggles with me all night long. licks my face to wake me up. Makes adorable faces. Knocks over the ashtrays in my middle of the night. He's sneaky and smells like a crusty boy who hasnt showered in 5 years. So sometimes we need to bath him because he loves his cat box so much. When I picked him out he was the runt of the litter sleeping in the cat box. I love him more then anyone in Brooklyn. My baby Boogers.

whisper.

i can still hear you whispering over the wires, 3,000 miles away.

sidewalks.

and we decided it would be so.
the city was forgotten, the faces that passed us on the streets were gray and cold as asphalt. we couldn't see ourselves weighed down by those stiff suits. we danced in the warehouses at night and counted the stars we could still see. we kissed under streetlights and sang in the darkness. we took photographs in black and white and color and as we watched the chemicals work in the tiny room knew we were like the weeds that crack the sidewalks they walk upon.

I'm running low on money seriously. I probably have 1.75 in change till Tuesday. Rents due on the 1st and im stressing out. If I had it my way I'd leave Brooklyn and go out west. But I cant do that. Or can I?

Burger Heaven.

Waking up being greeted with "Would you like a burger?!" I am in heaven. I made vegan brownies last night...now I want more more more.
I need to stop stressing out and enjoy my time here in Brooklyn. Making my game plan to move to the bay area. It feels good. Wish me luck.

itch.

Yet again-seeing old faces has been great and meeting new ones. We had a bunch of people over for a dinner that involved too much Turkish booze. I went upstate for the day for a breath of fresh air and that was much needed...a slower pace was appreciated. My brain feels fuzzy lately. Im not too sure why. My To Do list is growing longer and i'm getting itchy for change yet again.

tick tack toe!

On a lighter note: I lost at tick tack toe over a dozen times the other night. Fail.

sunlight

Today I wokeup with Dizzy home from Turkey. Listening to NPR as usual. Chain smoking with the kitties laying about. I went outside and the weather was beautiful the sunlight pouring light on the warehouses surrounding me. The what was left of the snow was melting so I decided to ride my bike. Riding my bike in the city is pretty scary but so much fun. I went to Briana's and enjoyed home made cupcakes and fresh coffee. I'm going to a show tonight and going to gay bingo hoping I make some cash. Today is nice, I home tomorrow is the same.

Fresh air.

Finally. A breath of fresh air. The house is silent. The floors are somewhat clean. I lights are dim and i'm sober. After two weeks straight of people staying at my apartment. Everyone is gone. The moment Real Life Time Machines left this morning I felt strange. All my room-mates were gone and it was just me again. I guess the last month I've been trying to keep myself busy. Trying not to think about how everything fell apart. Im putting it all back together again and it feels so good. Having people around me the last few weeks have been great. Seeing ALOT of old faces. Sharing my bed with 4+ people, drinking alot of dollar tall cans and cheap whiskey, Mystery people puking in my bathtub (NOT COOL!), my floor being crowded with people it prevented me from walking around, breakfast at life cafe, vintage VW vans that run on vegtable oil, going to silly shows and dancing around, almost but not really getting lost driving in the city, bong rip jokes, made-up bands that are going to rule the world. I've laughed the most i've laughed in a long time. It felt good. Now my stomache aches with laughter and my brian hurts from being too drunk for too long. But it's been good. Thanks.

flow.

it's getting cold and my bones seem to be getting more and more achey. I've had a great flow of people staying with me in Brooklyn. Old friends and new ones. 2009? weird.

Life.

I cant stop dreaming of the west coast. I miss the sunshine. The people. The air. I'm back in New York. Living in Williamsburg/Bushwick. Living on 255 Bourem. I have great roommates. The last few mornings i've been woken up with Dizzy playing the acorden in the living room with a fresh pot of coffee brewing. Life is simple here and thats what I like. Cold beer and fresh food in the fridge and we have two of the best cats ever...boogers and patsey. Round two in Brooklyn lets make it better this time around.