bahh

my fucking tattoo hurts. show tonight = loud and dumb. I must be drunk before I go. I've been sleeping far too much. I missed a beautiful day! Woke-up in a kinda bad mood...not too sure why.

find one good thing to say.

I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
My mind keeps racing in circles, I wish I could say everything I wanted to say.
I WANT to say perhaps?
I feel like when i'm talking lately i'm just vomiting my words out.
Yes, VOMIT.

why you comin home @ 5 in the morrrnnnnin?!

bro down coffee sesh with chris this morning, it was nice. I really wish I could wake-up and get coffee with a pal everyday. I got a new tattoo last night...It's a wishbone on my arm..actually wrist? right near that weird bone. I dont know. I got pretty sick from free pancake day at ihope and puked my guts out..no fun. Life is alright...I just need to remind myself to keep breathing and not take anything too seriously. Now i'm going to clean my dirty apartment.

I'm a rolling stone. All alone.

Why cant I have everything I want? Hahah. That sounds so ridiculous...but seriously. I just want an enough money to get me by... I just want the sun to shine every day...I want great friends around me...I want a cute boy to hold my hand all night long and to zip my sleeping bag together with...I just want a house in the middle of nowhere with a beautiful view and miles of land to explore...

Today was nice enough, I woke up at 2pm...ate pizza....walked around...sat in a dinner and drank lots of coffee (free refills!) with chris and tim for a bit while Angela was at class...went to see Emma at this pretty awesome coffee/hangout space...watched chris clean my bathroom (THANK GODDD! it looks epic)...now i'm listening to a mix chris made me for my birthday...i should sleep. Tomorrow in tales free pancakes and adventures I hope.

i'm so fucking hungry my stomach is eating itself. i've been chain smoking my days away. today i curled up in a ball and read a large portion of today. although i did wakeup at 4pm...so lazy. everyday I question what i'm doing with my silly life. I love it..but it needs change. It was so dark and rainy today and yesterday was beautiful and sunny...we drank beers on the stoop in the sunshine. Oooh the life!

party punxxx

party punx took over 255 boerum. too many people in one space. my apartment is so trashed. took it down to the basement and everyone chilled. loud music and lots of alcohol....oh dear...pictures will be uploaded at a later date.

i want fucking food.

fuck someone make me cookies. is that too much to ask for? I went to a show last night and got alittle too drunk and got lost in greenpoint (ha!) then i figured it alllll out. Drunkly stumbled home and fell asleep till 4:30pm. Hopefully selling a bunch of shit tomorrow during the day outside the subway near bogart and seegal. Stop by and buy my old shit! I dont really have too much to update about today due to me just waking up.

sunshine punx (food not bombs)

Today I woke up at 9 am to cook food for 4 hours. It all was for food not bombs. At first it was a bit awkward cooking with random people...but then everyone started opening up and sharing stories about themselves. Funny and sad stories were told...It was great meeting new people and working with friends. Everything with vegan and vegetarian. Also, all the food was dumpstered. I made home-made mashed potatoes and this apple crisp thing.... (both turned out awesome!)Anyways beyond the point...We set up our table outside of the bushwick park off off the jefferson stop and brought the food over in shopping carts. It made me feel so great to see the people so excited to eat a healthy meal. Everyone thanked us and it reminded me how fucking lazy i've been and self centered...seriously what was the last thing I did that actually made some type of difference?! I want to change my life. I want to stop drinking as fucking much and start eating healthy...OH! and today I finally went to get the tires in shirely's bike filled up with air so now I can ride all over brooklyn again! I went on an awesome bike ride by myself today with the sunlight pouring on me and I only wish'd someone could just join me. Now i'm taking a nap...I've been on the go-go-go all day!

i cant stop making lists!

Keeping secrets, Holding my pee for too long then finally getting to pee, Receiving letters in the mail, Loosing my voice after an awesome show, Perfectly lit rooms, Snuggling with my kitty, Meeting new people who are actually cool, Surprise visits from old pals, Sitting in the sunshine and reading all day long, Home cooked meals, Laughing so much I cant breath after, Remember whens, Being on the road, Cigarettes after eating and waking up. Taking naps, Sleeping next to a person you love, Exploring new places, First cup of coffee of the day, Sleeping as long as I please, Going on picnics, Taking photographs of the people I can about, Taking pictures of strangers, Lavender oil, Learning new things, Finishing a book, Smooth subway rides, Late night bike rides, Driving down dirt roads on a hot summer night, Swimming in secret places,


I cant stop making lists! This one is mostly things I enjoy...Although I do enjoy alot of things. I'm just wasting time.

Food not bombs tomorrow at 10am! Eeep.

5am.

I can't sleep. It's 4:30 in the morning. Tell me about your dream land? I realized I spend hours and hours of the day day dreaming in this make believe land of what if's. I day dream about the things that will never happen and the things I hope will. Sometimes I get excited or scared if I think about it for too long. I can have whatever I please in my dream land. people, places, things. Anything. I can do whatever I want. If only if it were like that. I explained this to a good friend today. It's almost 5am and im not sleeping. All I want to do is day dream and remember.

I cant stop making lists, mostly about people i want in my life.

someone who makes shapes out of clouds. someone who enjoys being barefoot. someone who will give me a stick n poke. someone who can loose their mind for a week. someone who can make rainy days enjoyable. someone whos dreams are a little more realistic and less materialistic. someone who isnt turned off by a little lack of confidence. someone who can unplug their television for more than a year. someone who boycotts marriage. someone whos eyes burn with passion. someone who gets excited about groundhog day. someone who makes airwaves with their hands from a speeding car. someone who is drunk with optimism. someone who goes to bed in an old t-shirt from an ex-lover. someone who takes midnight swims in the atlantic. someone who will listen to dumb music with me. someone who will teach me how to sail a boat. someone who will write me letters and really send them. someone who will stay up till 5am with me doing thing, just because we cant sleep. someone who wishes on falling stars and eyelashes. someone who says "love" like they mean it. someone else who lives in the past.

fill up my plate.

Trying to keep myself busy. A bunch of us are getting together and biking around dumpster diving through out Brooklyn tomorrow night...Then Thursday is Food not bombs. I'm helping cook and serve the food. Then sunday is the meeting for Bushwick Tree's not trash....I'm going to start working on the volunteer gardens near by my house. I also plan on going to ABC no rio and volunteering to help out at shows and events...and hopefully I can use there darkroom! I also plan on buying the book Chainbreaker bike book so I can start working on my own bikes. Hmmm. Keeping myself busy as possible.

If only this was true.

I'd like to start a secret journal with you. I'd like to ride bikes all day with you. I'd like to bake all day with you. I'd like to kiss you on the forehead. I'd like to go to the movies with you and hold your hand. I'd like to listen to sweet music with you. I'd like to lay on my bedroom floor with you. I'd like to have mini adventures with you. I'd like to go to the beach with you. I'd like to build a sandcastle for you. I'd like to get drunk and make out with you. I'd like you to give me a piggy back ride. I'd like to kiss you in the rain. I'd like you to teach me how to drive. I'd like to make music with you. I'd like to dance around with you in our undies to. I'd like to go to cooking classes with you. I'd like to row a boat with you. I'd like to explore New York City with you. I'd like to kiss every inch of your body. I'd like to lay in bed all day with you. I'd like to go on long bike ride adventures and dumpster dive all night long till the sun comes up. I'd like to go to new cities and towns together and explore them. I'd like to zip our two sleeping bags together and make them one. I'd like to be able to smell bad and not care. I'd like to lay in bed and talk and roll around till sunlight is pouring through the window. I'd like to start a garden together and get our hands and knees dirty. I'd like to sleep out side in the middle of nowhere in the back of a pick up truck or in the middle of a field. I'd like to chain smoke with you and not have to feel bad about how much I smoke. I'd like you to roll me better cigarettes. I'd like to lay around the house all day listening to records and reading on a rainy day. I'd like to work on a zine together. I'd like to hold your hand till I fall asleep and in the morning tell each other our dreams. I'd like to sew together. I'd like to build a tree house together. I'd like to brew our own cider. I'd like to share clothes. I'd like to go watch fire-works together on 4th of July. I'd like to make crafts together.


If only all this was true.

i feel so strange today. floaty almost. whats wrong with me?
I need something to keep me anchored down.

charles bukowksi

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning & you think, i’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.
-charles bukowski

crust kitty.

Oh, and cutest thing ever.

...

I've been listening to a lot of music I listened to when I was 13-15. Listening to it makes me remember having too much teen angst and jumping on my bed screaming the words to my favorite pop punk songs. I was such a cliche little punk. I really wish I could find someone to work on my zine with and trade mixtapes with. Shirley and a bunch of other ladies are trying to find our way to Texas soon for a bit. I really need to get out of NYC...just for a bit. I'm so so so excited for the summer...the weather here has been teasing me with it's warm sunlight on my face. I've been crawling into bed when the sun is rising and sleeping through most of the day. I want to start waking up before 4pm and doing things in the day. Beyond that...I've been pretty motaved lately!

i dont understand the point of this holiday. anyways, someone buy me chocolates and beer.

kite.

Today is the perfect day to fly a kite. It's so windy outside. It blew my hat off my head and I got gravel and dust in my eyes and throat. If only someone wanted to go to the park with me and fly a cheap dollar store kite...It's a beautiful day. Hmm. alot of things floating around in my mind...everyone in vermont is changing and i'm loosing more and more touch with them. I woke-up at 9am today got breakfast with shirely at Life Cafe and sold some old clothes to beacons closet( I made 15 bucks!)...now im going to go enjoy dollar pizza with Talia.

Life is alright, alot of funny things happening, i've been trying to laugh alot. This beautiful weather makes me motaved to do more and more. Get involved with cool shit and actually move!

smoke like a machine gun.

it's beautiful outside. i'm sitting in my back yard with my door open. it's sunny and breezy and it feels nice on my dry pale winter skins that been hiding for months.


I made instant mashed potatoes and to be honest, they are not as enjoyable without you next to me.

weird.

I spent my Birthday waking up next to an adorable boy. Lets not get too excited my friends...it wasn't like that at ALL (long story not suitable for my blogger) Anyways I went into the city and my dearest friend Angela bought me an expensive cupcake that I ate it and enjoyed it to the max with Chris and Tim. Then I met up with Talia on St. Marks and she made me home-made rainbow cupcakes that were so fantastic! I helped Chris and Tim make money to get back to New Hampshire and then realized, it was my day and my feet were cold and wanted to go home. Shirley came over and made cookies with Amanda and I and we all fell in love with techno viking. It was a pretty simple birthday, yet the whole day I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and my heart ached. I'm always looking for something or someone to fill that void and it's not happening anytime soon.

I'm half drunk and alone. A hammer placed next to me just incase a robber tries to break in yet again. My bed still smells like a cute crusty boy...hm.

Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday to me. Meh.

city.

sometimes motion.

I dropped out of school. I could not handle it any longer. I was unhappy there I really cant say anything nice about that place, almost all the teachers were snobby, the kids sucked (beyond the few i fell in love with) The dress code (all black, i couldnt be smelly ect) It just was not the place for me. Plus the whole 9-5 tueday through saturday thing BLEW...with a one hour break. My family is flipping out and so am I kind of but I know it's the right thing to do.

I also cut my hair off. It was kind of a last minute decsion. Pretty much it's half longish and half short. At first I hated it so much and now i'm kind of in love with it. I needed the change. I've had longer hair for quite a while now.

Lately i've been thinking about the past, just laughing and crying over it. Remembering smells and touches and adventures....I cant get them out of my mind. I realize i've lost touch with ALOT of people over the last few months...People I really cared about and loved. I mean, I guess thats just how things work out. I just hope someday we all be together again sitting in the sunshine, going on long bike rides, making food, doing crafts and just laughing and hanging out. Till then, WHATSUPBROOKLYN. I've been having a good time...just somedays I wake up and wish I was in motion...going place to place. I dont know how long I can stick around. Lets test it.

I dropped out of school. Hahahaha.

grr.

I start school tomorrow. I want to kill myself. I guess I should get my shit together soon. Right?

what am doing?!

Freight Train

I think i'll take me a freight train, cause im feelin blue. I'll be dreamin' bout walking with my baby down the san francisco bay...You arnt in love anymore with anything but falling in love. You are having an affair with your imagination, in disguise.

roller coaster.

It's a roller coaster. I'm excited Chris and TJ are coming to the city for a few days. I've only got 2 days left of freedom before I go back to school. I decided I need to be very very drunk the next few days. Then do laundry and chop my hair off. Yes. Oh and on a bad note...I lost my credit card! It really really sucks. Im stuck with 6 dollars till Tuesday and no metro card. So im going to be surviving off rolling my own cigarettes and bread and butter...and dollar tall cans.