vermont

i explored the twilight zone and drank wine underneath the clear skies of vermont. i slept outside and it cleared my mind. i had breakfast in a hardware store and drove down long never ending dirt roads. i've gone on bike rides through burlington like old times. went to city market and ate delicious food.  drank vermont beer on front porches. had micheal jackson dance parties.  went on tracker rides. drank whiskey from mason jars on porches late at night. woodbury boys own this bitch. made some mistakes and made lots of good decisions.

im going back to my concrete jungle on tuesday and once again i'll breath my muggy air and miss vermont dearly.

It feels like nothing's changed. Going from town to town. Or from house to house. You know I just can't seem to get it right. And I just don't want to see you tonight' Cause it's all the same buildings. And it's all the same dirty streets. Our little version of America. Don't really mean shit to me.

shakes.

I've been having the worst anxiety. I always feel on the edge. Like im waiting for something...It's raining outside and all I want to do it curl up in a little ball and read, drink tea and snuggle. I feel like i've lost a lot within the last week...friends, objects, feelings and my mind.  Urg.  My mind keeps wandering and I always feel on the edge. I'm no longer sore and confused. Now im just shakey and a bit lonely. I just want a cute boy to ride bikes with and to listen to pop punk with...but nothing like that ever works out here in NYC.

summer.

Learning how to be alone without being lonely,

Learning how to be lonely without losing my mind.

black eyes.

I wish I could find the strength to pick myself up from this chair where I'm sitting. I would walk to where I could find a reason to smile. And it isn't that I don't have faith, I believe in your reasons, believe me I do. I just imagine falling and falling, into so many pieces so I could disappear again. I feel so purposeless. I don't smile lately, and neither do you. how much do you remember about my eyelids and the backs of my knees? i washed them clean clear of your kisses and bad dreams. I don't know where to look from here.

past-sleep

Sleep is sparse, but what else is new, besides the lack of oxygen passing through to my lungs. Its far too thick, like trying to pass through something solid, and it spreads upward, struggling. Clouding my head, it started while I rested in a foreign bed, dry dry air, hot burning feverish bodies, the smiles were gone for now, overcome by the waves of rest.

The soft music whispers thoughts of heat and intoxication, lazy days after late nights. If only I could burn alive in hell with you, desperate faces showing eyes so full of love never given. Don't let this become me, only tainted more cold and hard, you were telling so many lies, alas, I told so many lies. Now here I lie, but not with my words, with my body, in the shape of a mangled content, yet indifferent, human.

I still lay tossing and turning, the confinement of arms wrapped around me, a comfort and a curse, but back to the fact of simply, merely, figuratively, suffocating. The solidity of a human form raised questions once again, where's my emotion i'll wonder, again and again. He's pretending to hide his spite, annoyance, hollow inside, and I'm pretending to care, about being aware, of how sad our situation really is. The passing sun blends from night to a new dawn, I'll be gone by morning, I always am.

open arms.

the world around me tends to fall apart in a matter of moments, but just as fast it rebuilds itself. Each day, gazing out at the world, I await the arrival of something that answers my restless demeanor, for I'm drowning in the speculations of my mind. I find solace in the rising sun; a muse that I know will forever remain constant. I laugh way more than a normal person probably should, and find amusement in everything, particularly things I probably shouldn't. My thoughts are incomprehensible, my imagination ambiguous, my mind is logical, and my taste for reality, fanciful.
I crave more, and until then, I'll be waiting with open arms.